I predict a riot....

.... in my large intestine!! Read on to know why.

It was my last weekend in the most laid-back city in the world. And I was really keen on doing something fun to make up for my extremely lazy weekends this winter. Well, I indulged in Kolkata's greatest indulgence – No prizes for guessing – Food it is.

It was Friday evening and a good friend from Hyderabad was in town. He suggested Mama Mia in Ballygunj and we landed there. A fairly big scoop of Triple Chocolate and a yummy Sizzling Brownie later, I wanted something snacky. So we went to this Azad Hind Hotel nearby, which was more like a dine-in-your-car place. I stuffed myself with a double egg roll and a bhar (earthen cup) full of thick lassi. When I got home, I topped it all with some curd rice with my favourite mango pickle!

The next morning, I was in a hurry to get to the movie theatre to catch Madagascar’s sequel. I gobbled 3 thin alu parathas with the same favourite mango pickle and some curd. Couple of hours later, I couldn’t fight the urge during the movie interval and grabbed a large butter popcorn and giant glass of Mirinda. With the satisfaction of having watched a great animation film, I headed to New Market to shop and achieve the State of Greater Gratification. Agent S wanted to pick up cakes from Nahoum & Sons, a bakery which is apparently more than 150 years old! I accompanied him there and fell prey to the idea of treating my family (and err..myself) with a pound of rich plum cake. While I was waiting to pay for it, my eyes fell on the cashew cookies. I made a packet mine. After some jewelry browsing and the-right-black-bag hunt, I convinced myself that I’ll not get to eat chaat in Calcutta till June, and should grab some immediately. Spicy puchkas went down my throat in rapid succession. Across the road, I saw a vendor and on his cart were the words ‘Kesar Kulfi’ in a dull, faded red. But suddenly the letters seemed brighter than anything else and I animatedly asked him for one. In the meanwhile, Agent S bought a masala thumsup! I tried a sip of the fancy concoction made of Thumsup, a generous dash of lime and of course a secret masala-ish ingredient – thankfully didn’t like it much, stayed away.

I got back home and my worried Amma enquired whether I had eaten lunch. “Only junk food all day? Chi chi!”, she shrieked and the dining table was soon adorned with hot rasam rice, potato curry, and cruchy appalams to go with it. Later in the evening, my parents and I were getting back home from the Hanuman Mandir. Amma expressed her burning desire to make my last weekend nicer - Sharma’s to treat ourselves to Luchi and Alur Dom! Half a shingara and some luchis got dumped in tummy and I thought I would almost burst. My helpless groan probably sounded like raucous exclamations of delight to Appa. He wanted to honour the sweet tooth I possess!! Some pretty fancy milk sandesh, rabri et al were added to my human warehouse. “That’s all I can eat today!”, I mumbled. Little did I know that I would find a bowl of delectable gaajar ka halwa staring back at me on the table. Amma gave me a wide grin. Should I? Should I not? Should I? Should I not? I knew it could leave me quite winded, but I was being a brave soul. Who can deny Gaajar ka halwa? Not me I learnt.

It was a Sunday and I got busy with the day’s paper and my hot chai, as usual. But well, what can get better than hot jalebis on a wintry morning. Sometimes, I think my Dad’s telepathic! In an effort to be a good daughter, I decided to cook and looked up some recipes online. “Mutter Paneer and Jeera Rice for lunch”, I declared. It was surprisingly good and I ate heartily, also marveling how each grain of rice and each cube of paneer had been cooked to perfection. I suddenly felt the urge to (again) seek the State of Greater Gratification and went shopping in Metro Plaza. When Agent R and I ran out of batteries, we decided to recharge ourselves in Peter Cat, one of the most popular restaurants on Park Street. What I thought would be an evening snack turned out to be a late lunch, and may I add ‘heavy’ to it! Some sweet corn soup followed by Chelo Kebab (Steamed rice topped with butter served with paneer and vegetable tikka, and not to forget the portion of stuffed capsicum!) A friend stopped at The Street in The Park hotel to pick up a salad. Minutes later, I found myself lost in a brownie swimming in oodles of hot chocolate sauce. During the cab ride back home, I was thinking how I could write a book on ‘Do-it-yourself Weight Gaining’ or maybe ‘Expand your waistline in 3 days’ and the like.

Hmmm… Have I forgotten to mention anything? Oh… I also gobbled 7 or 8 rosogollas over the weekend. I am certainly going back to college looking like one!

Guppy, The Brown Guy & The Indians

Statutory Warning: This is a result of one whole month in Kolkata and in an ad agency. Enter at your own risk.

There lived a man named Guppy Ram in a remote village near Puri. He loved a thing called Papeto more than anything else in the world. But the Jains in the village hated it and wanted to get rid of it. So he decided to change the way Papeto looked. So that they never find it and hence can never destroy it.

Guppy Ram sought the help of a brown guy who sprouted a white moustache often. This brown guy with the help of his hot Indian frens disguised Papeto and gave him a complete makeover. The Jains never found Papeto and Guppy Ram was elated. But then, Orissa got flooded and Puri got filled with water. This led to the birth of Pani Puri!

[A few months later]

Guppy Ram was really sad and remained chup after that disaster. So Pani puri is called Gup-Chup in Orissa. And oh.. Guppy Ram was obese... Probably why in North India, they call him Gol-Guppa!